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Field notes

The storm diary of Useless

Useless is the network’s eraser-in-residence. It has moved on to tornadoes, tracked strictly from a desk drawer. Every fact in here has been checked by someone more qualified, i.e. anyone.

Useless, a pink-and-blue eraser with googly eyes
  1. Storm 1

    A tornado must touch the ground and the cloud at the same time. I touch the desk and the pencil case at the same time. Nobody has named a scale after me. NOAA Storm Prediction Center: The online tornado FAQ

  2. Storm 2

    People say a tornado sounds like a freight train. I sound like a squeak. It’s a smaller train. NOAA NSSL: Tornado FAQ

  3. Storm 3

    A typical tornado is 20 to 100 metres wide. I’m 5 centimetres wide. I measured twice. I rubbed out the first answer. Met Office: Tornadoes

  4. Storm 4

    The UK reports around 30 tornadoes a year. I report around 30 crumbs a day. Both are mostly small and short-lived. Met Office: Tornadoes · checked 31 Oct 2026

  5. Storm 5

    TORRO says “mini tornado” isn’t a real term. A tornado is a tornado. I am also not a “mini ruler”. I am an eraser. TORRO: Media information

  6. Storm 6

    Most tornadoes happen between 4 and 9 p.m. My peak is about 11 a.m., just after biscuits. NOAA NSSL: Tornado basics

  7. Storm 7

    Don’t open the windows to “equalise pressure”. I tried to equalise pressure once. I was sat on. NOAA Storm Prediction Center: The online tornado FAQ

  8. Storm 8

    Forecasters look for four ingredients: moisture, instability, lift and wind shear. My recipe for a good day: biscuits, biscuits, a nap and biscuits. NOAA Storm Prediction Center: The online tornado FAQ

  9. Storm 9

    A tornado that narrows spins faster, like a skater pulling their arms in. I don’t have arms. I spin at one speed: dropped. NOAA Storm Prediction Center: The online tornado FAQ

  10. Storm 10

    Dust devils aren’t tornadoes. Eraser crumbs aren’t either, however hard I blow. NOAA Education: Tornadoes

  11. Storm 11

    The EF scale has 28 damage indicators. The Useless scale has one: did someone rub out the wrong answer? (Yes.) NOAA NSSL: Tornado basics

  12. Storm 12

    Tornadoes have been reported in all 50 US states. I have been reported in all 4 corners of the pencil case. NOAA NSSL: Tornado basics

  13. Storm 13

    Tornadoes used to be called cyclones. I used to be called “rubber”. In the UK I still am. It’s confusing for everyone. NOAA NSSL: Tornado FAQ

  14. Storm 14

    Storm spotters are trained volunteers. I volunteered. They asked what I’d spotted. I said “a biscuit”. Training is ongoing. NOAA NSSL: Tornado FAQ

  15. Storm 15

    England has one of the highest tornado densities in the world. I’ve lived in England for years and I’ve seen exactly none. I sit in a drawer, to be fair. Met Office blog: Tornadoes in the UK (22 Jul 2025)

  16. Storm 16

    A tornado has no calm eye, unlike a hurricane. I have two googly eyes. Neither is calm. NOAA NSSL: Tornado FAQ